The title here could be so many things.. like "I give up", "Why must we be tortured", "Not again!", "AHHHHHHH" but what I think it comes down to is that God has another plan for Kenny and me right now and it is not the right time for me to become pregnant. I contemplated whether or not to even post about this on my blog but that since this is a huge part of my life.. and the point of this blog is to share.. I figured why not. As most of you know we have been trying to get me pregnant for a while now. Actually it has been a little over 3 years since I quit taking birth control pills and I have been taking fertility drugs and going to Dr. appointments during the last year. (One whole year!!!!)
The thing is... the infertility specialist as well as my ob/gyn have concluded that there is nothing physically wrong with Kenny nor I that would keep me from becoming pregnant. We fall into this class of misfits they call "reason unknown so we will jack you up with drugs" group. So.. I was thinking back over the last year of what I have gone through...
- 40-50 ultrasounds
- countless Dr. appt.'s as well as lab appointments to have blood drawn
- catheter's- need I say more.
- $3500-$4,000 in fertility drugs/appt.s
- missing who knows how many hours of work
- weekend appointments
- sitting in the Dr. office surrounded by pregnant woman and sometimes girls and even one time across from woman that just had her sonogram and found out the sex of her baby.. and I heard her say to I assume her sisters that she did not want it... she was not happy and I was sitting there biting my tongue not to lash out.
- becoming known on a 1st name basis to all the doctors, nurses and staff at the Dr. office and each time they saying.. maybe this time, we are praying for you, we have our fingers crossed and stuff like that..
- learning to give myself injections in my stomach at the same time every day.. sometimes having to take them with me and give them in the bathroom at a restaurant, or at a friends house.
- weight gain
- bruises
- every symptom of being pregnant because I had to take a HCG shot every month to ovulate... all the tiredness, headaches, mood swings, nausea without the payoff.
- mentally crashing each month after finding out that I am not pregnant and then having to build myself up again/refocus.. this is something Kenny went through too
- reading countless baby websites/forums/magazines and then not reading because maybe I was reading too much
- drinking/not drinking
- not lifting anything heavy or riding moped or letting Dolby sit on my stomach because I thought it could hurt the implantation process
- I even tried reflexology, positive thoughts, visualization, making up little songs that I sung in my head during IUI's (to the sperm and my uterus)
And Kenny has been there right by my side during this entire process.. and even though he has not had to go through the physical stuff.. he goes through the mental stuff. The one thing I can say that during this roller coaster of emotion it has strengthened our already strong marriage and we have learned that we have so much other stuff to be thankful for and above all that we are thankful for each other and baby or no baby we are going to enjoy our life together. I think we have just finally realized that no matter how hard we try to get pregnant and do all the right things.. it is just not in our control. I have to truly and honestly lift it up to God now because it is not up to me... I can't control this part of my life. I just have to be thankful for everything else that I have and move on. Hopefully one day God will bless us with a baby and we will look back and understand why now is not the right time but until that day we must continue to love one another and enjoy our life.
I wish I could help someone going through this and if I can think of a way then I will... I would start a support group or something but there are already a million.
I can say now that we are going to move on that it feels like the shackles have been removed.. I don't have to try to be perfect and live for a baby that I don't have.
-A
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2 comments:
Amy, we are praying for you and Kenny, as always. Call us, we'd love to catch up.
-Jeff
Amy - that story breaks my heart! Please know that we are always thinking about you and praying for you. I think you are an incredibly strong person, and you and Kenny are an incredibly strong team, for going through all that you have. And I really admire your trust in God - you are so right, He is in control, and you just have to have faith in that! Stay strong!
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